Awful Band Photo #4: Beach House

Gee, is this an indie rock band? What gave it away? The long, shaggy and unkempt hair, the vintage outfits and no smiling.

Now it's time for a breakdown:

Tall stalks of wheat...are we promoting our band or are we promoting tourism in the state of Kansas?

Why are we reaching for the sky? Is that some kind of yoga move? Must be the Downward-Staring Hipster. I haven't gotten to that one in yoga class yet.

Not sure why the dude is on his knees on that wooden bridge. But just by looking at him, I can tell that I would want him to get a few splinters in his knees.

And to top it all off...a cloudy sky! Of course it's cloudy. Hipsters hate the sun, so they will only go outdoors if it's as gloomy as Connor Oberst feels on the inside.

Awesome Wednesdays!

Need I even explain why this is awesome??? One word: Sparkly Yellow Jumpsuits.

Awful Band Picture #3: Third Day

Dear Christian Rock darlings Third Day,

Where was your God when the photographer went as generic as possible with your press photo?

The lead singer at the forefront with his arms behind his back? Check!

Everyone wearing black? Check!

No smiling because your music is really fuckin' serious, like, seriously dude? Check!

Well, good for you. You just took a generic and awful band photograph.

Go pray on it and do better next time.

Awesome Wednesdays!

It's important to also focus on the positive in the world, thus I have birthed "Awesome Wednesdays".

This is a photograph of The Hosepipe Band. I think they are European. I have no clue what they sound like or who they are. But this picture is freakin' awesome! On the left, you have a woman playing some kind of flute or lute or recorder. There's an accordian, and the guy holding it has a bashful and playful expression on his face, as if to suggest that his flute/lute/recorder playing friend has done similar things with her mouth on his junk. There's the friendly looking gent next to Mr. Bashful holding some kind of funky folk instrument. Then there's the bass player. He is the least-interesting part of this photograph, but there's nothing douchy about him, so kudos!

Awful Band Picture #2: Train

By request...we have the band Train. Now, the person who requested that I critique an awful band photograph of Train obviously assumed that an awful picture of Train would exist. But look at this. A very creative and interesting picture. I mean, this kind of picture has NEVER been done! All black clothing? How innovative! Avoiding eye contact with the camera? Why, I've never seen that one before! This picture is the exact opposite of awful.

Questions that this provoking photograph provokes:

What's front-and-center man pawing at in his pocket? Mashed potatoes? 48 cents in pennies?

What's Hat Guy pawing at in his pocket? His diddle biscuit. I'm sure of it.

And lastly, why is Howie Mandel in this photograph, and why is awkwardly crossing his arms? Did the photographer administer one too many tittie twisters? Maybe that's why they all look so morose...

Awful Band Picture #1: The Goo Goo Dolls

The picture that inspired this blog. It is so awful. It is the epitome of douchery. Gosh, where to even begin? How about the whole "I'm so deep in thought I can't look at the camera" poses? The guy on the far right is standing with his back to the camera, as if to say, "My feelings are so deep right now that I am unaware of any photographer. Just...let me be alone with these thoughts." Either that, or "Hey, I smell pizza. Where's it coming from?" The guy in the middle has a look on his face that suggests he knows how douchey this picture is going to be. Shame on him for allowing such douchery. And last but not least, lead singer Johnny stares at his shoes and leans ever so emo-ishly on the railing. Perhaps he's thinking of some really awesome lyrics. Or maybe he's just trying to stretch a little bit. It gets uncomfortable in those tight jeans and tight leather jackets.