Awful Band Photo #4: Beach House

Gee, is this an indie rock band? What gave it away? The long, shaggy and unkempt hair, the vintage outfits and no smiling.

Now it's time for a breakdown:

Tall stalks of wheat...are we promoting our band or are we promoting tourism in the state of Kansas?

Why are we reaching for the sky? Is that some kind of yoga move? Must be the Downward-Staring Hipster. I haven't gotten to that one in yoga class yet.

Not sure why the dude is on his knees on that wooden bridge. But just by looking at him, I can tell that I would want him to get a few splinters in his knees.

And to top it all off...a cloudy sky! Of course it's cloudy. Hipsters hate the sun, so they will only go outdoors if it's as gloomy as Connor Oberst feels on the inside.

Awful Band Picture #3: Third Day

Dear Christian Rock darlings Third Day,

Where was your God when the photographer went as generic as possible with your press photo?

The lead singer at the forefront with his arms behind his back? Check!

Everyone wearing black? Check!

No smiling because your music is really fuckin' serious, like, seriously dude? Check!

Well, good for you. You just took a generic and awful band photograph.

Go pray on it and do better next time.

Awful Band Picture #2: Train

By request...we have the band Train. Now, the person who requested that I critique an awful band photograph of Train obviously assumed that an awful picture of Train would exist. But look at this. A very creative and interesting picture. I mean, this kind of picture has NEVER been done! All black clothing? How innovative! Avoiding eye contact with the camera? Why, I've never seen that one before! This picture is the exact opposite of awful.

Questions that this provoking photograph provokes:

What's front-and-center man pawing at in his pocket? Mashed potatoes? 48 cents in pennies?

What's Hat Guy pawing at in his pocket? His diddle biscuit. I'm sure of it.

And lastly, why is Howie Mandel in this photograph, and why is awkwardly crossing his arms? Did the photographer administer one too many tittie twisters? Maybe that's why they all look so morose...